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Monday 9 August 2010


"You are now entering an IKEA-free-zone."

Let us be honest. There are certain corporations whose products can be found in every household in western europe, north america and parts of south east asia namely, Procter and Gamble, Nokia, Nike and Johnson & Johnson.

There is however, a rather large institution from Scandinavia that for the past decade or so has managed to find its way into our lives. This is none other than IKEA.

Ever heard the saying,'never say never?' I'm sure you have. Well last week I almost gave into the beast and was inches away from crossing the threshold into an IKEA establishment. Here's the story.

I lost a bet to a family member whose hair I had messed up earlier after reading a guide of how to make a ponytail from one of the blogs I follow. Payment was to go and purchase something from IKEA that was to take up residence in my place.

This was suggested by my five year old niece - the mischevous little one. My facial expression was worth a million bucks! This is because everyone around me knows how I'm always rabbiting on about my dislike for IKEA products. It is a no-go area, just like my sister's hair. But this was a no-holds-barred kind of bet.

My dislike for IKEA products is nothing personal or snobbish. It is the rebellious spirit in me that tries to go against the grain at every opportunity I get without breaking any laws or I might end up behind bars with Pishnick the Albanian nonce.

I would at this point like to say that I have nothing against IKEA management or their products. It is just that everywhere one looks they see IKEA: at the office, at friends and family residences, at the bar, in retail to mention but a few. Makes me wonder how we ever lived before IKEA.

This is why I decided a long time ago that my place would be an IKEA-free-zone to prove to anyone that it can be done; plus it is a breath of fresh air, not to mention the stories I've heard of numerous arguments that break out within IKEA establishments amongst couples about which colour or fabric of couch, plastic or porcelain plates, wooden or metallic mirror frames etc - I tell you, IKEA must be one of the reasons behind the high breakup rate nowadays because this is the place where couples finally realise how incompatible they are for each other.

So in this fighting spirit, we drove down to an out-of-town IKEA with my brain in over-drive of how to get out if this one. It's times like this that one wishes Johnnie Cochran was still alive. If he got O.J an acquitall, then he could deliver thwe same for me - unfortunately that is wishfull thinking.

With me, I had my sister and her daughter Lilly whom I had earlier on taken to the side and had a word promising her heaven which for a five year old menas a trip to Hamleys on Regent Street during the Christmas period with two of her best friends. All I know is that I'm not doing it, but hey desperate times call for desperate measures. I don't want to break the little one's heart, but she suggested this IKEA idea to her mum and so here we are.

No sooner had we got out of the car than Lilly started to throw a tantrum which brought a smile to my face meaning we couldn't go into the place with a screaming child so we had to abandon mission. Phew! That was close. I got to live another day with out ever stepping inside an IKEA.

That said, my dislike for IKEA is over compensated through another Swedish corporation by the name of HENNES & MAURITZ better konwn as H&M. Everytime I go into one, I leave with something even I convince myself that this time it's just browsing but still something catches the eye and must be purchased.

Now if I can formulate a fail-safe-plan of how to get out of taking Lilly and her friends to Hamleys. Any suggestions?


Anonymous said...

This post made me laugh out loud, as I have a thing for Ikea but its too far to make it a regular thing, I only own one item which is my husbands wardrobe so I don't think I am too bad.

p.s maybe scare the kids about the hamleys thing if you really want to be really evel make them watch childs play, that would make any kid want to stay away from toys for life. x

Biana said...

lol this post is hilarious, my house is no Ikea-free zone :p!

Let's say 90% of my house is Ikea-free, but Ikea is so handy for things like, kitchen-ware, storage-ware, bathroom stuff, I'm even thinking about purchasing a bed there for the guestroom.

Only thing I dislike is how crowded it is there, as I only have the weekends to shop, and Ikea is like a family outing in the weekends, awful!

I don't dislike Ikea, even though I can understand your dislike. The reason? Ikea has great guarentee for such a low price, and also it's because of Ikea that a lot of people can afford a stylish/modern low budget interior. Something that would only be possible for people with good jobs/income.

And because a comfortable house increases the quality of life, it's why I appreciate brands like Ikea.

Fashionistable said...

Great story. You niece came to the rescue. Good girl. You owe her the trip to Hamleys as way of a big thank you but maybe you could get away without taking her friends..... Xxxx

The Photodiarist said...

So funny! I wonder whose blog gave you ponytail instructions? :-) I don't dislike IKEA but it is so ubiquitous that I can understand why you do.

Connie Staccato said...

I am laughing! I took my children to IKEA when my daughter was moving out for the first time and found it absolutely terrifying. Especially the cafe.

As for your niece, I'm afraid you will have to bite the bullet. Children have infallible memories when it comes to things like this and - I promise - she will hold it against you for the rest of her life (flash forward to the session with her therapist about how she was lied to and abandoned by her aunt!), if you reneg.

Be brave!

Prutha Raithatha said...

hehe... u cant break ur niece's heart... i have 2 and u cant ever get them to forget a promise... im sorry hunny, but ur stuck...u have to do it now

cool article..

Unknown said...

ooooooooooooh say it LOUD dear Nyanzi (do you mind if I call you that?)!!

IKEA is not my friend, I think that there is something soul sucking about the place and its global domination.

Everyone seems to have SOMETHING from the darned place like it or not and I am with you in this here REBEL against IKEA! It's like a secret devilish plot to fill our homes with junk that may one day come to life and destroy us all...okay, my imagination has taken over again!

ahahahahahaha @ "Pishnick the Albanian nonce"

Nadine2point0 said...

There are 3 things I will concede to actual purchase there - at this time in my life:
Suction dish scrubber...they sit on the sink...great
Tapers by the oodles
Tea-lights by the hoards
Their wooden cutting boards.
Yep, that's about it.

We dabbled in IKEA when we couldn't afford real furniture ha!
My husband and I have vowed to get some basics for our kids when they move out, but for anything that needs to be assembled, we are going to encourage to start off life with some solid things that will last longer than their newest catalogue.
So hard though with my tweenie daughter who walks around that place salivating like it's candy. It's all the plastic now that bothers me. Plastic lamps, and plastic storage, and plastic kitchen things.

*sunday* said...

ha! i have spent the last 3 weekends at ikea in wembley buying stuff for the new home! man, you have no idea how sick i am of that place but unfortunately its one of the only places i can afford :)


I love these little morsels of food for thought of yours, David.

H&M, Acne (clothing!) , meatballs with ragu, the national surfing team ... there are lots of great Swedish things to compensate for Ikea! Haha

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